“I need some space!” is a familiar expression to most of us, either from the giving or receiving end. I suspect that more women have heard this expression from men than vice-versa. This is probably because more men adopt the evader role in the pursuer-evader dance of boundary-troubled relationships. “Space” is the word that many…
In working with many couples Over the years, I have found certain themes to emerge again and again. Three of the most frequent themes are really myths about the nature of loving. As myths, they can be very destructive to intimacy. They lead to a misguided effort to create the illusion of love while ignoring…
For a good while For a good while, I’ve had to talk to numerous people about how to let go of harmful relationships. Getting out of harmful relationships has been a very hot topic in the press for several years. The topic seems relevant to the needs of many. However, there is a danger to…
Ahhh, that feeling! Your spirit soars. You feel like you’re being lifted higher and higher. If feels so good it must be right. Right? Maybe you’d better watch out for those cruel rocks below! How many of us have taken that flight, only to plummet to despair when our illusions are shattered. Perhaps the expression…
Intimacy The holy grail of relationships. At least it seems that way for those of us who have searched long and hard for the “right person.” I wonder how many of us really have gotten a clear picture of what we’re looking for. Where would we have gotten such a picture? From the cinema, from…
Love is the most powerful force force in the universe. Most of us actually believe that, if love is strong enough, it will create a healthy relationship in addition to changing the course of rivers and moving mountains. Forgive my indulgence in cynicism but the parallel is appropriate. For some relationships, a favorable outcome is…
How many times has each of us received an emotional wound followed by the justification, “I’m only being honest!” “Honesty” is like other sacrosanct words like “love”, “unselfish”, and “caring” that have the ability to put people’s forebrains to sleep. The mere utterance of the word has the ability to rationalize many behaviors that would…
There is a useful term that one hears relative to investments but is rarely mentioned when discussing relationships. The term is “equity.” We more often hear people discuss “equality” in relationships. Unfortunately, equality is not nearly as constructive a concept for guiding a couple to creative solutions. When people discuss equality in a relationship, they…
There’s a joke I once heard about codependence: How can you tell if a drowning woman, is codependent? Answer: Someone else’s life passes in front of her eyes. Of course, the female gender holds no monopoly on codependence but I report the joke as it was told to me by a “recovering” person in AA.…
Anger Anger. Isn’t that the emotion that wrecks relationships? Terrifies children? Provokes violence? How can anyone say anything positive about it? For many of us who have grown up in dysfunctional families, trying to appreciate anger may seem like extolling the virtues of migraines. Let’s first start by dispelling some misconceptions. Anger is not violence.…